"Better Than Before" Isn't the Goal:

"Better Than Before" Isn't the Goal: Guilt, Sleep and Enjoying Parenthood By Melanie, Norland Nanny and Sleep Consultant

I met with a mum recently who came to me for help with daytime naps. She was certain that was the problem: sort the naps, she told me, and everything else would fall into place.

Then we talked about the nights. Her little one was waking five times a night.

"But that's better than it was. It used to be ten or more."

And she's right, it is better. But somewhere along the way, "better than before" had quietly become the goal, instead of "actually okay." She was so used to surviving that she'd stopped asking whether she was living.

I think an awful lot of us do this. And I think guilt is usually the reason why.

When did "good enough for me" become the standard? We put enormous pressure on ourselves to be the best parents we can be. We want to support our little ones, comfort them, be there for every wobble. That instinct is beautiful. Please don't lose it.

But there's a line. And it's this: if you're pouring everything into your little one and quietly not enjoying parenthood at all, something needs to change. Not because you're failing, but because you matter too.

Three honest questions to ask yourself:

Name the real cost. Five wake-ups a night isn't a win just because ten was worse. How are you actually feeling at 3pm on a Tuesday? Snappy? Tearful? Dreading bedtime? That's information, not weakness.

Separate upset from harm. We never want to see our little ones upset, of course we don't. But a bit of grumbling while your baby practises a new skill is not the same as distress. It's the sound of learning. We don't panic when they wobble while learning to walk.

Ask who the guilt is really about. Sometimes when we say "I can't bear to see him upset," what's underneath is "I'm upset, because this isn't the parenthood I imagined." Your unhappiness deserves attention too, not just your baby's.

What I actually do, because it isn't "leaving them to cry" That mum's biggest fear was the one I hear most often: "I don't want to leave him to cry."

Neither do I. That has never been my approach, and it never will be.

What I do is teach your baby a skill, settling to sleep, with you right there supporting them. Then, gradually and gently, we remove the support you've been giving, one small step at a time, so they can do it for themselves.

Think of it like stabilisers on a bike. You don't rip them off and walk away. But you also don't leave them on forever, because your child is capable of more than that, and independence is one of the kindest gifts you can give them.

Supported. Gradual. Skills-based. That's it.

A little win worth sharing Back to that lovely mum. Once we'd talked everything through, she said something that stopped me:

"I think I'd convinced myself that being exhausted was just the price of being a good mum."

It isn't. We've now started working on the nights as well as the naps. Just giving herself permission to want more than "better than ten wake-ups" has lifted something in her. You could see it in her face.

You're allowed to want more If you've been telling yourself "it's better than it was" for a little too long, if you're surviving rather than enjoying, please hear this: wanting your evenings back, wanting proper sleep, wanting to enjoy your baby rather than just get through the day, doesn't make you selfish. It makes you human. And it's fixable.

If any of this feels familiar, get in touch at [email protected]. No pressure, no judgement, just a conversation about where you are and what's possible. 💙

Melanie Hastings The Sleep Nanny melaniehastings.sleepnanny.co.uk